CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a tactical move yesterday, Harvey Weinstein—producer of Hollywood films Django Unchained and Spy Kids, and trafficker of sex and children—came to the defense of his defense lawyer, Winthrop House Faculty Dean and Harvard Law School professor, Ronald Sullivan.
“Frankly,” said Weinstein in an interview with the Crimson, “I don’t see a problem with Sullivan defending me. He’s getting attacked for just doing his job. Like, I might add, some other people I know,” he added, pointing at his own chest. Weinstein is believed to have been referencing himself.
The Crimson also reached out to Dean Sullivan, who offered the following statement. “People usually congratulate other people for getting a job. A fruit basket. A simple handshake and a cold beer would’ve been nice,” said Sullivan, disappointed.
With no additional pressure from the Crimson, Sullivan went on: “It’s not my job to discover the truth. It’s my job to have fun and make sure that the law never fucks anyone over. Imagine if the law insisted on just, I don’t know, like, masturbating all over my client in a grotesque and repeated abuse of power. That would be illegal! And you bet I would prosecute the law for doing such a thing.”
“Again, I want to reiterate, I’m only doing this to ensure due process for every American citizen,” added Sullivan, “If I get to catch Brother Weinstein’s cum in my hands every time he masturbates in public, that’s just an added benefit.” An added benefit which Sullivan referenced dozens of times during his interview.
Sullivan is set to defend Weinstein along two other noteworthy legal professionals, lawyers Jose Baez and Pamela Mackey. Mackey, who once read Lean In and took it to heart, is unphased by accusations of betraying other women. “Fuck them,” said Mackey. “Fuck women. Fuck all women. Literally fuck them. I cannot emphasize this enough.”
“Yeah,” said Baez, “and if Weinstein was really a bad guy, would he be paying us so much from his own pocket?” Weinstein, sitting in on the interview, looked convinced by this argument.