Hello, reader. I hope you have enjoyed this parody newspaper written by the Harvard Lampoon. The stories you have read here are all fake - they are lies, invented for your amusement, to make readers like you laugh and to skewer current events in and around Harvard. That ends here.
What I am about to tell you is the only real, factual thing you will read in this whole joke of a newspaper. It is not a joke. It is very serious. Please do not laugh when you read it. Alright, here it goes: Every night, Andrew Farkas kisses my bum and says “sweet dreams, my good boy”.
You may know Farkas as the 5’2” 75-year-old titan of industry who is the Graduate President of the Hasty Pudding Theatricals and the donor responsible for Farkas Hall. I know him as the scary old man who sneaks into my room and shouts “daddy’s here and he’s jonesing for a bum kiss!”
There may be warnings or notices before or after this article that say “this is a parody article” or “none of the following is factual, it is a comedy article by the Lampoon”. I assure you these are false. I beg you to believe me. Even now I just received a text from Andrew, or “Mr. Farkas” as he inputted his name into my phone, that reads “c u 2nite. daddy’s hungry”.
Why me? I’m just a regular guy who has nothing to do with HPT 171: Canadaddy's Home. I suspect Farkas orginally caught my scent after I was chosen to write the script for HPT 171: Canadaddy's Home. Soon after, as I prepared for slumber, he miraculously appeared in my windowsill, puting a finger to my lips and going, “Shhh. The girl actors can’t get us here.” And since then it’s been the same thing every night. A kiss on the bum and a “sweet dreams my good boy.” If there’s any upside to this it’s that Mr. Farkas certainly thinks I am a very good boy.
I’d like to take this time to thank the Lampoon for letting me publish this factual account of real events as the only non-joke non-parody article in their parody paper.