In a recent announcement, the Office the President of Harvard University made it clear that the University will no longer tolerate students having sex of any kind but especially ‘fucking’ President Bacow’s wife. At a press conference called by President Bacow he stated: “Fuck time is over. Please please stop. Please.”
The new repercussions for having sex with Adele F. Bacow include no longer being eligible for the Rhodes Scholarship and a forfeiture of officer positions in recognized student organizations. It’s no secret that 83% of potential Rhode Scholars this year have been consistently engaged in consensual fucking with Bacow’s wife. They have no plans of stopping anytime soon. The “Larry Bacow Wife Fuck Club” is also expected to hold special elections for new officers.
The announcement has spurred unanimous vocal opposition from the Harvard Alumni. A statement signed by thousands reads: “Fucking Larry Bacow’s wife was a fundamental experience in our time as undergraduates. We loved it then and we love it now. Fuck forever! (SCREAMS).” President Bacow responded to this, “I understand that fucking my wife has been an important aspect of campus culture, but now that I am the President I really do not like it anymore.”
Current students should be rest assured that the sanctions will only apply to the incoming class of 2023. There was initial concern that the sanctions applying to President Bacow as well would compromise his presidency. This was quickly dismissed because he doesn’t fuck his wife anyway.