Oh no. This doesn’t bode well in the slightest. Seemingly unsatisfied with merely banning members of single-gender organizations from holding leadership positions within recognized student organizations, Dean Khurana appears to have hung a grand piano by a very-frayed looking rope above the Mass. Ave. entrance to the Porcellian Club.
Now I want to emphasize that while I generally support the administration’s effort to make final clubs and other exclusive organizations more accessible, I cannot help but feel that this harebrained scheme to murder the members of the Old Barn by crushing them under the weight of a 1,200 lbs piano is simply one step too far. However, at the same time, I’d be remiss to say that I didn’t see this coming.
As I’m sure most of you would remember, a few months ago, Dean Khurana made headlines when he painted a deceptively real-looking door on the wall of the Fly Club. However, rather than seriously injuring themselves by walking straight into a brick wall thinking it was an actual door, multiple members reportedly managed to defy the laws of physics and open the door Khurana had painted. Yet, when Khurana himself tried to use the same door, the laws of physics had somehow restored themselves, and as a result, the Dean of the College walked face-first into the wall, which left him with a very long, thin bruise protruding out of his forehead.
And who can forget when, just like week, Khurana came under fire for asking to meet Fox Club President, Panic @. Nabisco, on Weeks Bridge, only for Khurana to take out a concrete saw and attempt to cut a hole out from underneath Doyle. However, contrary to Khurana’s plan, Doyle did not drop straight down into the Charles. Instead, in a rather unfortunate turn of events, the entire bridge fell into the Charles, along with Khurana, leaving Doyle standing by himself on a floating concrete disc.
Therefore, in light of these events, I must stress that Khurana’s most recent attempt to penalize final clubs is by no means an isolated incident. In fact, the way I see it, suspending a grand piano above the entrance to the Porcellian Club is the logical progression of Khurana’s increasingly draconian stance on USGOs. Consequently, I urge everyone in the Harvard community to stand up for the basic dignity of every individual, regardless of their extracurricular affiliations, and demand that Khurana end this madness. Enough is enough.