“Yo, I Go Off If I Hear Mr. Brightside” Says Freshman On Suicide Watch

“I legit pop off,” Collins explained to a room of his peers early on Sunday morning. Earlier that day, Collins was released from the Mt. Auburn Hospital Intensive Care Unit, where he was being closely monitored due to severe suicidal tendencies. “It’s lik

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to reports, Graham Collins ‘22, “totally goes off if [he] hears Mr. Brightside.” Mr. Brightside is a hit song by The Killers with over 300 million views on YouTube. Collins was put on suicide watch last week.

“I legit pop off,” Collins explained to a room of his peers early on Sunday morning. Earlier that day, Collins was released from the Mt. Auburn Hospital Intensive Care Unit, where he was being closely monitored due to severe suicidal tendencies. “It’s like the first chords play and I get so fired up.”

“These boys, my friends, this is my crew. We met the first day of school and it’s one of those things where it just clicks immediately, you know?” Collins has been known to enter deep depressive episodes where he does not leave his room for days. “We already know we’re blocking together”.

Collins and his friends expressed interest in attending a Harvard Model Congress in the Pfoho Belltower this coming weekend. “Yeah, I know the social chair and he told me that he’d put Mr. Brightside on the playlist so I’m pretty stoked,” said Collins. He then demonstrated how he planned to “nae nae” and dapped up one of his friends.

Collins quickly sprinted out of the room. “Fuck! I’m late for a study break!” Collins passed away the next day. The family has chosen not to disclose the cause of death.

Comments

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