Here's How David Kane Can Redeem Himself (Hint: It's a Funny Vest)

The Harvard Public Opinion Project has released some very interesting survey data at the start of this September. In their annual polling of youth age 18-24, they found approximately 76% of respondents said “yea, sure,” when asked whether it would help to improve Harvard Preceptor David Kane’s image if he were to put on a funny vest.

No A Capella Shows For a Full Year? Seeing the Upside in a Pandemic that Left 600,000 Americans Dead

Listen, I’m a glass half full kind of guy. This coronavirus thing has been pretty bad, sure, but at least I haven’t had to sit through a single goddamn a capella show in the last 18 months.

Spee Courtyard To Serve As Soup Kitchen During COVID-19 Outbreak, Closed To Non-Members.

In our darkest days of despair and anguish, as the novel coronavirus rages and rampages through our hearts, minds, and bodies, a light has finally shown through.



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Advocate Member Just Like That All the Time

He sits alone in the Barker Café eating raspberries and thinking about what it means to be the boy version of Tilda Swinton. It’s a good day to be white but a terrible day to be alive. The barista hands him his matcha latte, he winks at her, doesn’t tip, and says “don’t spend it all in one place.” This guy’s failing all his classes.

“So Weird to Finally Meet You in Person!” Says Kid in Your Section Who Has Cummed on a Printout of Your Face

“Oh my god, so funny seeing you in 3D!” joked Harvard Sophomore Sammy Kilgore ‘24, who was in your Expos20 section last year, when he ran into you outside the dining hall. “Man, I guess this is the part where we meet all our Zoom classmates in person,” he smiled, picturing what you might look like tied up to his XL collapsible bondage board.




BREAKING: There's Gombe a Chimpanzee War

Damn Chimps don’t wanna be kept back no more. Chimps gonna fight back eventually. There’s gombe a Chimpanzee War one of these days and everyonesbody best be listening to my advice.

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President Of University Chaplains’ Organization On Not Believing In God: “Why Should I Believe In Someone I Have Killed In Thousands Of My Dreams?”

It was a Sunday at 3:11 a.m. when Greg M. Epstein shot God with a .38 revolver in the mouth. The next morning, he found out he was unanimously elected president of Harvard’s Chaplains’ Organization.

Only Surviving Victim of the Boston Bike Beater Releases Police Sketch

The Boston Bike beater has been cycling up to tourists, punching them in the face and biking off. He now has 11 victims. Reward for information on his identity set at $15,000.


BREAKING: There's Gombe a Chimpanzee War

Damn Chimps don’t wanna be kept back no more. Chimps gonna fight back eventually. There’s gombe a Chimpanzee War one of these days and everyonesbody best be listening to my advice.

Phoenix Club To Offer New Financial Aid Option Of Paying Off Your Accusers

“At the PSK, paying off people that seek to bring you to justice costs what you can afford—no more.” This is the bold promise that PSK President Rick Puff ‘22 made just last week, vowing that large cash settlements would be made available to all Phoenix SK members should they need (or want) to pay off anyone accusing them of any wrongdoing, regardless of what that wrongdoing may be. This is a very broad policy.

Exhausted Freshman Receives Yet Another Survey Accusing Him of Being a Virgin

For the 43rd day in a row, Bum Sperm ‘25 received a survey from the Harvard Crimson accusing him of having never had sex. “It doesn’t matter that it’s true; it’s still hurtful,” says Sperm, a virgin. According to Sperm, at least 12 campus publications send out surveys to incoming freshmen asking them the age at which they lost their virginities. For hundreds of unloveables like Sperm, who have never and will never have sex, this is extremely wounding.

What if the Worst People You Know Got Together and Made an Instagram? Diving Deep into the Essentials of FIG Magazine

It was fashion at first sight when the founder of FIG magazine watched former Lowell Faculty Dean Diana Eck hack up a hairball of rat fur and twine in the gutter outside the Carpenter Center.


President Of University Chaplains’ Organization On Not Believing In God: “Why Should I Believe In Someone I Have Killed In Thousands Of My Dreams?”

It was a Sunday at 3:11 a.m. when Greg M. Epstein shot God with a .38 revolver in the mouth. The next morning, he found out he was unanimously elected president of Harvard’s Chaplains’ Organization.

Only Surviving Victim of the Boston Bike Beater Releases Police Sketch

The Boston Bike beater has been cycling up to tourists, punching them in the face and biking off. He now has 11 victims. Reward for information on his identity set at $15,000.


BREAKING: There's Gombe a Chimpanzee War

Damn Chimps don’t wanna be kept back no more. Chimps gonna fight back eventually. There’s gombe a Chimpanzee War one of these days and everyonesbody best be listening to my advice.

Phoenix Club To Offer New Financial Aid Option Of Paying Off Your Accusers

“At the PSK, paying off people that seek to bring you to justice costs what you can afford—no more.” This is the bold promise that PSK President Rick Puff ‘22 made just last week, vowing that large cash settlements would be made available to all Phoenix SK members should they need (or want) to pay off anyone accusing them of any wrongdoing, regardless of what that wrongdoing may be. This is a very broad policy.

Exhausted Freshman Receives Yet Another Survey Accusing Him of Being a Virgin

For the 43rd day in a row, Bum Sperm ‘25 received a survey from the Harvard Crimson accusing him of having never had sex. “It doesn’t matter that it’s true; it’s still hurtful,” says Sperm, a virgin. According to Sperm, at least 12 campus publications send out surveys to incoming freshmen asking them the age at which they lost their virginities. For hundreds of unloveables like Sperm, who have never and will never have sex, this is extremely wounding.

What if the Worst People You Know Got Together and Made an Instagram? Diving Deep into the Essentials of FIG Magazine

It was fashion at first sight when the founder of FIG magazine watched former Lowell Faculty Dean Diana Eck hack up a hairball of rat fur and twine in the gutter outside the Carpenter Center.