Eduardo Rivera, 37

Server, Felipe's

Who is Eduardo Rivera? It depends on whom you ask. To his children, he is a hardworking, devoted father with just a little bit of a silly side. To Harvard students, he is the man responsible for downgrading every Super Burrito to a Regular Burrito. Rivera, who has worked at Felipe’s for thirteen years, made his reputation at the restaurant. He started on the lowest rung of the Felipe’s corporate ladder, hired to be the guy who yells at you to go to the other line when the one you’re in is clearly shorter. His talents were recognized, and soon he worked behind the cash register, ensuring that no couples were able to pay for their burritos together. He then served a brief stint as a state senator before returning to private practice at Felipe’s.

Hoagie Jensen, 19

Freshman in Ill-Fitting Suit

If you were to go the Student Activities Fair in Harvard Yard, you would see students from all walks of life eagerly conversing and respecting basic social norms. You’d also see one young man in a poorly tailored suit strolling determinedly about to nowhere in particular. Hoagie Jenson ‘26, a resident of Pennypacker, spent the day jogging with an audible wheeze from table to table, making up a new secret handshake at each in hopes that he would magically stumble upon the secret Porcellian finger tug. As he became concerned that he would miss his chance to join the Owl’s 2022 Punch Slack channel, Hoagie began to slip handwritten business cards into the pockets of random male passersby on the off chance they might be punchmasters.

Stefan Lofven, 65

Hurlbut's Newest Pervy PAF

After their terms have finished, most heads of state are content to retire and pursue the simple pleasures of life: chocolates and marshmallows. Stefan Lofven, on the other hand, wants to keep giving back. You could say it’s in his blood. The former prime minister of Sweden has signed up for a yearlong stint as Hurlbut’s newest pervy PAF. The position comes with an honorarium of $1,000, which he graciously declined in favor of a master key to the building. Lofven has been enjoying his return to public life. He took it upon himself to volunteer as chaperone of First Chance Dance. Hurlbut residents, too, have noted his “frequent” and “unsolicited” back massages.