Justice Alito Leaks Opinion on Staffer's Blouse: "Me Likey"
Political pundits across the nation were stunned yesterday as sources confirmed Justice Alito’s admiration of his staffer’s new blouse months before he was scheduled to speak publicly on her appearance. The opinion was widely publicized after the leak, particularly Justice’s Alito’s fiery outburst: “Me likey! Ooh, mama, me likey!” Here, the Crimson takes a closer look at the implications of this leak.
Harvard Kissing Team Complains of Long Lines for Girl Kisser
Just weeks ago, the Harvard Kissing Team seemed to have it made. The team, founded in 2004, had recruited its first girl kisser in the organization’s history. Membership was also up generally, with two hundred freshman boys indicating interest on forms soaked through with palm sweat. Club president Zachary Horowitz ‘24 had earned a landslide victory on a plat- form of using more tongue during practice kisses.
“No Way to Have Predicted” Mattress Truck Fire, Says Boy With Sandpaper Penis
Nearly 200 mattress top- pers rented by Harvard undergraduates went up in flames after the U-Haul carrying them caught fire on the Massachusetts Turnpike last week. Thomas Laugh- lin, the hired driver from Waltham, was unharmed; also unharmed was Dennis Peedler ‘24, an Eliot House resident who stowed away in the back of the truck and whose penis is made entirely of sandpaper, “There was no way to have predicted that these mattress toppers would have caught fire,” said Peedler. “As such, it would likely be a waste of time to conduct a forensic examination on how the fire started.”
Shucks! This Mass Suicide Was One Minute Too Early To Be Caught On BeReal
Yesterday evening, students were horrified to discover that the Grays East mass suicide was completed just moments before the day’s BeReal became publicly available. “It’s like, one second my friend is literally right there drinking Kool-Aid, and the next second she’s like dead or whatever,” lamented Kayla Jacobsen ‘24. “Like, what am I supposed to do? Take a picture of all the bodies after it’s already over and post it on sidechat? Yeah right, maybe if I lived in Canaday C.”
FLY CLUB BINKY MISSING!
Panic struck last Sunday night as the Fly Club for Extremely Young Gentlemen assembled for their weekly viewing of the Baby Shark video on Youtube, only to discover that their treasured club binky, believed to date back nearly a hundred years, had mysteriously disappeared.
Doing My Part: I Bought One Tree From The Amazon Rainforest
EDITOR’S NOTE: The following article is an excerpt from a speech given by Calvin Tao to the Eliot House community. Dear fellow students, The time has come for us to stop ignoring the impending climate crisis and to take matters into our own hands. That is why I, your humble former HOCO co-treasurer, am proud to announce that I have done my part by buying one tree from the Amazon rainforest to be planted right here in our very own courtyard. Gentleman, you can release the curtains.
This Midwestern Town Voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020. Then Came Dickmongus.
Ross Glen, Ohio, is perhaps the perfect example of the Midwestern town. The town is home to only 2,500 Ohioans. Locals do their shopping at the general store, which is run by the grandson of the man who founded it in 1889. The diner in the middle of town still serves a western omelet with bacon (extra crispy), coffee (bad), and a helping of home fries (generous to a fault) for $6.45. Longtime Ross Glen residents like to call it “The Diner that Inflation Forgot.”
