Harvard Student Lost in Adams Tunnels Emerges to Find World Ravaged By Coronavirus

By Author Known. Wait Who Was It Again?

Jack Trent ‘23 emerged from the Adams tunnels after two-and-a-half years to find the world ravaged by climate change, also coronavirus. “I followed a stray cat into the tunnels in September 2019, hoping to see if he had any cat friends. I was leaving a trail of Insomnia cookies behind me to find my way back, but I was also really hungry so I was eating the cookies faster than I could lay them down. Before you know it, I was plunged into a dystopian steampunk nightmare for what should have been my first year of college.” “It’s been pretty crazy,” Trent described, “I had to eat my feces for a while there, luckily I found a cache of granola bars and those made my poop taste a lot better.” Trent reported being amazed by how much the world had changed after his time underground. “This virus is no joke, huh?” he said, while chasing after a mouse to eat. Old habits die hard. As Trent checked on the mouse’s legs, he recounted how he invented a new language in the Adams tunnels to help survive the harsh conditions. “It’s called Tunnelese,” he proudly says. “It’s got no verbs and it's easier to teach to the mice than American.” “If I have one big regret about missing the last year and a half it's that I failed to perform my civic duty,” Trent laments, “maybe if I had been able to cast just one more ballot for him, Buttigieg could have been reelected Mayor.” “Anyway. 2021 is real wacky. Everyone’s on TikTok all of a sudden, and now Cliffies are allowed in the Yard. I mean what the hell!? Also all 17 of my siblings died of the novel coronavirus.” Our interview with the hero was cut short as he followed a nearby tabby cat crawling into a sewer grate. “I’ve got a good feeling about this one,” Trent smiled, before diving headfirst into an open manhole. “I’ll see you on the other side!”

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