Delphic Club Vows to Bring Punches Home From Afghanistan by 2023

By Milly Covid, Extraordinary

“Our involvement in Afghanistan has gone on for too long,” offered Delphic President Charles Swingcock ‘23. “That’s why we are currently planning on bringing all of our punches home within the next two years.” The Delphic Club’s involvement in the Middle Eastern nation started in 2001, after kegs of mass destruction were allegedly discovered in the region. Yet after this faulty intelligence was debunked, operations continued for years, causing controversy within the club. “We should’ve taken our punches out of Afghanistan ages ago,” said club graduate board President Myke Miller ‘14-20. “We’re not in the business of nation building—we’re in the business of blacking out and disrespecting women. And we do not need a continued presence in Afghanistan to do that.” Adding to the complexity of the situation is the fact that various pre-punches, date event plus-ones, and other Delphic Club allies are also present in Afghanistan, and will need to be evacuated as well.

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