Divest Harvard Disassembles After Finding Out How Much Fun Oil Is to Play With

By Evan Shit, Poopy Poopy Poop Man

DIVEST HARVARD, the student organization whose protests urged Harvard to divest from fossil fuels, closed their doors this summer. This decision was spurred when an oil tanker capsized in Brentwood, where 94% of the Divest movement was quarantining, leading to an oil-soaked good time. “We saw the tanker go down and immediately ran over to yell at it,” recounts Divest President Bentley Chomp ‘22. “We didn’t know at the time that oil was slippery or flammable. We just knew it was bad—well, we thought we knew it was bad.” The protestors gathered around the spill, splishing and splashing like little ink-sodden seabirds, and quickly dropping their effort to remove the oil from the streets. Chomp went on wistfully. “At the end of the day, fossil fuels aren’t about who’s right or wrong, they’re about getting wet and nasty with your friends.” No other Divest members were available to comment at the time of writing, since most were stricken with chemical pneumonia induced by fume inhalation. The group recently announced their intention to all take sabbatical for the Fall semester, to spend more time “jumping around in oil abound” and ruining football games.

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