Exhausted Freshman Receives Yet Another Survey Accusing Him of Being a Virgin

By Hamina Humina, Mumble King

For the 43rd day in a row, Bem Sperm ‘25 received a survey from the Harvard Crimson accusing him of having never had sex. “It doesn’t matter that it’s true; it’s still hurtful,” says Sperm, a virgin. According to Sperm, at least 12 campus publications sent out surveys to incoming freshmen asking them the age at which they lost their virginities. For hundreds of deeply mediocre unloveables like Sperm, who have never and will never have sex, this is extremely wounding. Bem isn’t your typical virgin; he’s the backup goalie on the lacrosse team and has that classic “um, no thank you” look to him. He’s open to having sex in the future, but isn’t sure if he’ll ever “have enough free time” to “get around to it.” Yeah right, buddy. According to the Crimson’s own poll, 43% of freshmen are virgins, 38% have had sex, and 19% dipped it in once but aren’t sure if that counts. When consulted, FAS Dean Claudine Gay assured us that it definitely did not count. Curiously, every single virgin who answered our survey also named ‘Marvel’ as their favorite movie.

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