“President Of University Chaplains’ Organization On Not Believing In God: “Why Should I Believe In Someone I Have Killed In Thousands Of My Dreams?”

By Young Mumpy, The Next Lil' Mumpy

It was a Sunday at 3:11 a.m. when Greg M. Epstein shot God with a .38 revolver in the mouth. The next morning, he found out he was unanimously elected president of Harvard's Chaplains’ Organization. Epstein, author of “God? I’m Good: The Power of Dreams and Skull-Fucking Your Non-Messiah,” believes in the inherent power of humanity to realize myths like empathy and keeping public restrooms clean. He also encourages killing God in your thoughts at least three times per day. “It is instinctively human to kill. We should all practice killing God instead of killing our brothers… and sisters.” Epstein then paused for a long time, staring directly into the camera, before adding, “I killed my sister.” Responding to concerns about his atheism, Epstein says, “You’d be an atheist too if you asked God to bring back your sister, only for Him to tell you in your dad’s voice, ‘But it’s your fault she’s dead.’ After that, I wrestled God and won. In the next dream I invented a new type of computer that can type in English AND Chinese” “I voted for Greg because I was afraid he’d stop believing in me, and as a result, that I’d stop existing, too,” says another chaplain who asked to remain anonymous. When a follow-up interview was attempted, we found he was in county lockup for kneecapping his landlord during a night terror.

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