Why Killing and Lying About it is Worse Than You Think

By Bison Wheeler, Vegegationarion

If there’s anything I’ve learned from my time at Harvard, it’s that too many students have a loose definition of what’s “right”, especially when it comes to shooting someone and then chopping them up into little bite-size morsels. Just like the man at the dining hall that always steals my grill orders and mails them overseas to support fringe movements in the Middle East: not cool dude! I don’t mean to proselytize (Unitarianism forbids it), but there’s one thing that I simply can’t ignore: the swaths of Harvard students that participate in brutal ritualistic killings and then act like nothing happened when I confront them about it in my GenEd section. HOT TAKE ALERT! Honesty isn’t just important—it’s what makes this whole thing we call humanity work. I, for instance, have written thousands of articles clarifying my exact role in the collapse of the housing market in the late 2000s (innocent bystander, victim). I don’t do it because it feels good—although that certainly helps. I do it because transparency lets us create an exchange of intimacy, a little dance of brain bits, that stimulates the juices of compassion and friendship and dramatically increases the chance of us finishing these articles despite them being hot garbage. See? Doesn’t it feel good to put that out there? Now you can tell me about all those people you’ve killed and cleanse yourself in the eyes of the public. You guys use an old Viking sword, right? Or wait, was it a Civil War revolver? Can you please just tell me? Really. I would feel so much better if I knew. As long as it’s not like crazy, I promise I won’t tell anyone else. While we're on it, I also don’t think it’s okay for you guys to constantly deposit dead bodies on the front steps of Blue Bottle and act like nothing happened. At the very least, you could put them on the other side of the building so they don’t have to mingle with all the loose cardboard and fecal smears. I’m sick of hearing “rugby practice was rough today!” or “don’t you just hate hail” or “crazy they haven’t outlawed banana peels yet” when I run into you taking what is clearly a bludgeoned cadaver to its final resting place. You don’t understand the harm that you’re doing to our community by continuing to place large, mealy corpses in public locations. You’re not just impacting me, or your peers, or the other residents of Cambridge; you’re impacting your friends.

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