“Kobe!” Announces Freshman While Tossing Napkin Into Trash-Can Before Missing Trash From Helicopter And Crashing To His Death

By Mom, Registered Sex Offender Knower

Another unfortunate fatality was seen this week in a wave of deaths among Harvard students who like to do impressions of late basketball player Kobe Bryant. “Kobe! Aw man, I missed the-- Wait, what the-- we’re out of gas?!?! Oh God, oh God, oh God!! AahhhhHHHHHHHH!!!” said Will Thomas ‘25 in blackbox cockpit audio obtained by the Crimson from his crash at 6:37pm, September 2nd, 2021. The audio continued, “I didn’t even make it! What if my last act on earth is missing the trash can? What if Hell is real? Oh God! I’m sorry! I didn’t do enough! I could’ve had kids! I could’ve had a family! I could’ve been in Space Jam 2! I wasted my life!” “He almost had it,” said spectators standing by the trash can before a one-ton skybound hunk of metal crashed into the earth from whence it came. “It was that thing that happened where it would’ve hit the rim and bounced in, but the wind juuust blew it out. It was also that thing that happened where every control on the helicopter’s panel froze up, dooming everyone onboard to a swift, fiery death.” Fans gathered for a candlelight vigil outside of Lowell Courtyard to mourn the passing of NBA Legend Kobe Bryant, who they were reminded of by the recent release of NBA 2K 2021. When approached for comment, George Plympton ‘22, Lowell Resident Dean and organizer of the vigil, remarked, “Will Thomas? Never heard of him.”

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