Phoenix Club To Offer New Financial Aid Option Of Paying Off Your Accusers

By Mandy Poo, Dishonor Student

“At the PSK, paying off people that seek to bring you to justice costs what you can afford—no more.” This is the bold promise that PSK President Rick Puff ‘22 made just last week, vowing that large cash settlements would be made available to all Phoenix SK members should they need (or want) to pay off anyone accusing them of any wrongdoing, regardless of what that wrongdoing may be. This is a very broad policy. “As we all know, financial inequities abound at Harvard and, by extension, at the Phoenix SK,” said the President. These inequities were especially spotlighted by the coronavirus crisis, he explained, which caused some members to lose crucial sources of income ahead of the upcoming year. “One of our members lost his part-time job as a pharmacy vendor, not to mention the $4,400 he owes his cousin for that dumb ‘motorboat that bitch’ bet we lost back in the Hamptons.” The policy will mean that, for more than ninety percent of American families, having a son in the PSK who is paying off an accuser will cost less than healthcare coverage. And that’s not all: the PSK is also currently considering whether to expand their need-based policy to include a merit-based grant, whereby especially desirable punches are promised aid upfront. “We hope that with this new measure, the Phoenix SK will become a trailblazer in fighting the devastating inequality that marks the lives of predatory dudes all over America,” said a PSK representative who insisted he remain anonymous. “We strongly expect that this will soon become our strongest selling point,” another added, “narrowly surpassing the fact that humanoid robot Mark Zuckerberg didn’t get into our club back in the early ‘00s.”

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