Spee Courtyard To Serve As Soup Kitchen During COVID-19 Outbreak, Closed To Non-Members

By Gary Bird, Winner

In our darkest days of despair and anguish, as the novel coronavirus rages and rampages through our hearts, minds, and bodies, a light has finally shown through. The Spee Club for Gentlemen & *Girls has converted its massive red-brick courtyard into a soup kitchen that will feed those left homeless and starving in the wake of the global pandemic. Only, that is, if they are members of the Spee. “We made the decision to help out because there was no other option in the face of such inequity in this world,” says Spee Diversity Considerer Michael O’Hurlbut ‘23. “We made the decision not to let in non-members because of their smell.” The effects of the fifty-four presumably unhoused members in the Spee now having access to a full-service soup kitchen and day spa on Harvard Square’s homeless problem is unknown, as the club declined to reveal statistics as to which members of the club required emergency food and shelter, as well as which club members are not the children of billionaires. Drago Bukakis ‘87, a homeless graduate living outside of the courtyard, was found flinging his own feces over the courtyard fence. “I used to run this place!” he shouted, “I used to fuck the bear!”

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