Justice Alito Leaks Opinion On Staffer’s Blouse: “Me Likey”

By Brett Kavayeah!, Rebranded

Political pundits across the nation were stunned yesterday as sources confirmed Justice Alito’s admiration of his staffer’s new blouse months before he was scheduled to speak publicly on her appearance. The opinion was widely publicized after the leak, particularly Justice’s Alito’s fiery outburst: “Me likey! Ooh, mama, me likey!” Here, the Crimson takes a closer look at the implications of this leak. Is Justice Alito’s Opinion on “JCPenny Womens Crew Neck” a Certainty? Not quite. The court cafeteria was serving meatloaf yesterday (Alito’s favorite), so it’s likely that Justice Alito was in an especially jubilant mood. Once his blood sugar is back to normal, his attitudes towards his staffers’ clothes will become much harsher. It’s also possible that he may see someone else wearing the same blouse and reconsider his initial arguments. However, given that he called the dress “mouth-watering” in his initial draft, it’s unlikely that he’ll make a full reversal. A Historic Look at Alito’s Take on Lace Patterns Since his earliest days on the Court, Alito has made it very clear that he enjoys lace patterns. In his first opinion, Alito v. Worthington Womens Long-Sleeve, Alito argues, “We must guard against the natural human tendency to avoid lace clothing in the winter. It is imperative that we preserve floral patterns in our nation’s most sacred institutions so that I may look at them and go, ‘Awoooooga!’” The only time when Justice Alito’s commitment to lace design wavered was in 2016, when jeggings began sweeping the fitness world. Court history buffs may also remember 2016 as the year the Court legalized gay marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges, although Alito admits that during this dark time in his life gay marriage wasn’t really on his mind. Following Trump’s appointments of Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett, the Court returned to its staunchly pro-lace stance, which explains the recent trends on display in Alito v. JCPenny Womens Crew Neck. What’s Next? Justice Alito will not be hiring new interns.

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