Shucks! This Mass Suicide Was One Minute Too Early To Be Caught On BeReal

By Carl Juniors, Thickburger

Yesterday evening, students were horrified to discover that the Grays East mass suicide was completed just moments before the day’s BeReal became publicly available. “It’s like, one second my friend is literally right there drinking Kool-Aid, and the next second she’s like dead or whatever,” lamented Kayla Jacobsen ‘24. “Like, what am I supposed to do? Take a picture of all the bodies after it’s already over and post it on sidechat? Yeah right, maybe if I lived in Canaday C.” Authorities are investigating BeReal creator Alexis Barreyat after an anonymous tip suggested he knew about the planned suicide for weeks but repeatedly denied requests to change the scheduled BeReal time to capture the ceremony. “I founded BeReal because traditional social media is tearing us apart,” said Barreyat. “Everywhere you look you see smiling photos of plastic-faced celebrities sharing their last meal together before leaving their earthly containers and welcoming the aliens from the Hale-Bopp comet in peace. It all feels so staged, so fake. I wanted to change that.” This isn’t the first time that Barreyat has come under fire for refusing to modify BeReal notifications. During the annual Leverett house purge last March, Barreyat stuck to his guns and refused to alter the scheduled BeReal time even after the men’s baseball team began their infamous McKinlock slaughter. Videos from the purge inevitably ended up on various CS50 discussion boards, but everyone agreed it would’ve been much better if they could have engaged with the content using BeReal’s trademark RealMojis. In a statement released to The Crimson this morning Barreyat defended his motives further. “BeReal isn’t meant for toxic social climbing. It’s not a place for bragging about how much money you’ve wired to the Galactic Confederation, or posting cherry-picked moments from your intimate brunch with L. Ron Hubbard. It’s about real life, and living in the moment.” In the letter, which Barreyat released while in hiding, he also politely requested that surviving members of the Gray’s Heaven Collective stop publicly calling for his execution.

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