By John Toddler III, Aspiring Preteen

Panic struck last Sunday night as the Fly Club for Extremely Young Gentlemen assembled for their weekly viewing of the Baby Shark video on Youtube, only to discover that their treasured club binky, believed to date back nearly a hundred years, had mysteriously disappeared. “It is almost impossible to understate how important this treasured binky was to us,” said Alphonse Crumb, President of the Fly Club for Extremely Young Gentleman, in an exclusive interview with the Crimson, “many members had just begun to teethe, and the loss of this important artifact will surely result in severe distress for every one of us.” Most parenting guides recommend the use of a binky to ease the transition away from breastfeeding, and it is believed that without a binky, many members of the club will continue to breastfeed, quote, “as long as it takes”. The binky was believed to have been stolen during a mixer (a ‘playdate’, in Fly club parlance) with a local Montessori school, and police investigations across Cambridge preschools are underway to recover the binky. Cambridge Police Chief Chris Glow gave a statement to the Crimson: “We are treating this very seriously. With our precious ‘young gentlemen’ on the line, we are willing to go to any length to recover their chewable pacifier.” A mother of one of the club members spoke out against the thoughtless crime: “Taking my son Aloysius Montauk on an airplane flight was hard enough with the binky, as he must be wearing a full suit and club tie at all moments. I don’t even want to consider the sorts of tantrums he’ll throw now.” At that moment, Aloysius walked over, looking the perfect young gentleman in his XXS junior tuxedo, wiping the extra milk from his chin. “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” he mused, shaking his head, “perhaps I will soil myself on the airplane to show my displeasure.” Early this morning, loud wails could be heard from inside the clubhouse as the club babysitter desperately attempted to sooth the distraught youngsters by singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’, but to no avail. The binky was gone. The Fly club will never be the same again.

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