Harvard Kissing Team Complains of Long Lines For Girl Kisser

By Chap Lipps, Moisture Consultant

Just weeks ago, the Harvard Kissing Team seemed to have it made. The team, founded in 2004, had recruited its first girl kisser in the organization’s history. Membership was also up generally, with two hundred freshman boys indicating interest on forms soaked through with palm sweat. Club president Zachary Horowitz ‘24 had earned a landslide victory on a platform of using more tongue during practice kisses. Then came the lines. Harvard Kissing Club members have faced wait times of up to seven hours to practice kissing on the single girl kisser. Even longtime members concede that the lines that form for the girl kisser have diminished team morale and heightened tensions between team members. “It’s just not the same as it used to be, you know?” said four-year Kissing Club veteran Marcus Pekala. “It used to just be that we were a group of friends practicing kissing on each other on the MAC basketball court. Sure, our glasses bump every once in a while, but nobody cares because it’s practice. And then this girl comes, and suddenly no one’s interested in the guys. It’s all about the girl! It’s a complete affront to what the club stands for.” Other members have noticed a marked decrease in kissing quality since the lines began. Horowitz acknowledged his members’ frustration in a short note. “I, too, have had a difficult time controlling the flow of my saliva since we got our first girl kisser. As I write this, I’m mere hours away from only my second kiss in as many weeks. But guys: it’s a girl. This rocks.” The Crimson went to investigate and found that the current wait time, assuming an average thirty-second kiss per member, would be five hours and forty five minutes. Most members of the line were wearing cargo shorts and trying to use their many pockets to hide an unimpressive erection.

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