“No Way to Have Predicted” Mattress Truck Fire, Says Boy With Sandpaper Penis

By Prance Kranston and Rick Schtick, Crimson Staff Writers

Nearly 200 mattress toppers rented by Harvard undergraduates went up in flames after the U-Haul carrying them caught fire on the Massachusetts Turnpike last week. Thomas Laughlin, the hired driver from Waltham, was unharmed; also unharmed was Dennis Peedler ‘24, an Eliot House resident who stowed away in the back of the truck and whose penis is made entirely of sandpaper, “There was no way to have predicted that these mattress toppers would have caught fire,” said Peedler. “As such, it would likely be a waste of time to conduct a forensic examination on how the fire started.” Laughlin, the delivery driver, was confused by the fire. “I normally drive trains, but trains are pretty much just bigger trucks, and if there’s one thing that’s in the train manual, it’s that trains don’t catch fire randomly.” (Peedler interrupted the conversation to assert that it is a frequent and normal occurrence for trains to spontaneously catch fire.) The Crimson attempted to discuss the incident further with Laughlin, but Peedler insisted on interrupting the conversation. “If you do the math, there’s statistically no way that the friction of a sandpaper penis humping two hundred mattress toppers simultaneously would cause the truck to catch fire on the Massachusetts Turnpike, even if that were the best place to get a little mattress action.” The Crimson could not independently confirm the math; Peedler would not show us his work and fled immediately after the interview. Bystanders later claim to have seen Peedler dousing himself in fire retardant and sprinting towards the flaming truck.

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