Freshman Sorted into Mather Allowed One Phone Call

Upperclassmen poured into the halls of Canaday A on March 7th, 2024. For the C-34’s only floater, Dayton Geyser-Serrated ‘27, the morning brought an unlikely but possible outcome—Mather.

Mather residents stormed into Geyser-Serrated’s room. Before he knew what was happening, they were carrying him to Mather. They stopped a couple times on the way to remind him that “Mather is a good house.”

The Mather House deans took Geyser-Serrated’s fingerprints and mugshot before allowing him his one phone call.

“I never thought this would happen. Only 1/12 of the time does this happen,” remarked Alan Dershowitz, Esq., the recipient of Geyser-Serrated’s begging phone call. “He called to request representation. I told him the best course of action would be to settle. I represented a class action case against Mather House in 2017, but the judge ruled again that ‘Mather is a good house.’”

Mather House declined to comment.