By The Numbers: Sneaky Linking Groups Unanimously Preferred to Linking Groups

Though first-years are disappointed about “just” getting to choose 7 friends to live near next year, a new survey shows that linking groups have a practically insignificant effect on the upperclassman experience when considered next to the massive positive effect of discreet orgies.

“My linking group? I see those guys maybe once every two, three months,” said junior Fuxa Ton of Quincy House. “But my sneaky linking group? Let’s just say I have way more sex with them.”

For most upperclassmen, linking groups merely serve as something to talk about if they’re running out of conversation topics, or as a reminder of how the only way they could get that clingy expos classmate to stop sending them TikToks was to let him block with their roommate’s then-girlfriend.

Students reap far more social benefits, the data shows, from having a pod of pals that they can secretly, but consistently, fuck the brains out of whenever their CS121 psets have them feeling a bit stressed.

Some freshmen have already begun substituting their linkmates for sexual partners. “My sneaky linking group is actually my blocking group,” explained freshman Dick Loving with a proud smirk. “I don’t even know what I would do with a linking group—besides possibly bang them less frequently than I do my blockmates.”

Unfortunately, though, sneaky linking is set to go the way of its less-sneaky predecessor, as the DSO recently announced that it will be banning sex for the Class of 2028.